The Amazing Race [Nihon Version]
s t a r m | s t January 13th, 2008
Archive for January, 2008
A Hard Day’s Night
s t a r m | s t January 11th, 2008
Though it is an open secret where I work [since most of you peeps reading this know me personally], I have always been careful and selective about the things to be revealed here. It is partly self-protection, but mostly to maintain confidentiality of the people I see.
And now I hesitate to reveal what I know will be more, but.
In my few years of working there, many friends and random people have asked me how it is like to be constantly placed in emotionally-charged situations. “How do you cope?“, “Isn’t it very emotionally tiring?“, “Won’t you feel depressed?“, “You must have a heart of steel, huh?“.
Well, it is difficult. To keep a balance between being professional and being human. To feel yet not show too much. To keep emotions in check and not get too affected, yet not bulldoze through without much care and sensitivity for them.
Something I wrote and kept in my drafts for over a year as I never managed to complete it:
Such as the big hunky man and his beautiful wife who broke down in tears upon knowing, and had to duck into one of the darkened rooms to seek refuge, while their little girl played on guilelessly, not aware nor understanding the charged atmosphere, we asked them to return to their hotel for the day to rest, to come back the following day so that we could help, but it is not easy, human emotions, time doesn’t change anything; he was biting his lips, his fists clenching and unclenching, and her tears rolled down freely when I spoke to them, and [Ed: I couldn't complete this.]
Such as the gentle soft-spoken couple with their cheerful smiley baby girl who came all the way down intending to stay for only 3 days, but had to extend their stay because their baby simply would not fall asleep for the initial assessments to be done despite all our efforts, thus straining their expenses and exhausting them to the core, and upon confirming, they helplessly told me all they could afford is the parts of the loaner kit, and what could really help their baby, they will have to save up for at least two years, and [Ed: I couldn't finish this either.]
Such as the mother and daughter combi who came for the initial visit, and then disappeared for months before I received a call from the mother bravely informing me that she has sold her house to get money for her daughter’s treatment, and I listened helplessly, unable to provide any form of assistance saved for lending a listening ear, and [Ed: also not completed.]
This week’s team meeting has been particularly depressing. Many difficult cases came up for discussion and everyone was uncharacteristically subdued. When she introduced her second-last complicated case of a sweet little boy who has multiple issues and has to walk using the crutches for life, tears filled my eyes as I thought of him with them. The thoughts of all the cases accompanied me home. How can one not feel anything?
Despite all these, I love what I am doing, though it can be more. I love meeting people [surprise, surprise], seeing them, trying to help them. I love the children [more surprise], talking to the adults, and helping the families resolve whatever I can within my means and job-scope.
This exchange in Grey’s Anatomy sums it up for me:
Izzie: I’m both. Miranda: What? Izzie: I’m both. I’m a surgeon and I am a person who becomes emotionally involved. I will never again cross the line like I did with Denny. I have learned my lesson. But I’m still both, and I’m not going to give up either part of me. And I am not going to apologize for it.
So I am feeling conflicted, and sad. Because I’m leaving all these for something else. Because in a month’s time, I will never see them again, I cannot follow through with them anymore. Though I will be in the same industry, things will be vastly different. I know this move will be good for my career, and good for me in terms of professional growth and development, but will it be good for me as a person?
(As We Know It)
s t a r m | s t January 10th, 2008
Remember my new cupboards in all their glory?
I came back home only for mother to point out that one shelf is sagging under the weight of my books.
*wails*
Can you see the slight bending of the shelf? I frantically took away all the books from the top layer down [yeah, I stacked my books on top of the other books due to space constraints], leaving it as it looks in the picture.
It’s been barely two months! They are not hardy at all.
So I did a QC, inspected all the other shelves and found that two shelves from the other cupboard are also sagging - one ‘cos of my other hard-cover books and the other ‘cos of all my cds.
What am I going to do???
[At this juncture, one just feel like saying "Ahoka!", with a stamping of the foot.]
Do not get Ikea’s billy bookcases no matter how pretty. Seriously.
Rights vs Wrongs
s t a r m | s t January 10th, 2008
Somewhere around, I wrote this down on black paper and pink ink:
Some of my wants [I wouldn't exactly call them 'resolutions'] for 2008:
ZEN & FUSS-FREE life [as I always tell Lund],
zen & fuss-free room,
zen & fuss-free love life [if any, as minimal as possible],
be my best for work,
love myself more,
be more patient with family,
love my friends more,
be happy, less angsty,
amongst other things.
I don’t think it is gonna happen anytime soon.
A change is gonna come, I said recently. It’s true, seeing the several life-altering decisions which have been consciously made for this year.
In my pursuit of zen-and-fuss-freeness, life sure isn’t zen and fuss-free now. Halting the ‘wrongs’ from last year, putting into action the decisions made since months ago, wondering about the impending risk to take - the decisions are easier to make than the actions to take.
I came back from Nihon stronger and ready to take on the world 2008, but my steps are faltering at the moment.
Two evenings ago, I struggled to keep my emotions in check when I spoke to him. Yesterday, a bout of nostalgia threatened to overwhelm when [another] he spoke to me with sadness and resignation in his eyes. Tomorrow, it will be announced.
Have I made a mistake? Or is it merely the [short-term] pain of moving out of my comfort zone?
Why do I feel so bad if this is the norm? Why do I feel so guilty when there should be nothing to feel guilty about?
Why is it that doing the ‘right’ things can feel so wrong?
The Week Before Christmas
s t a r m | s t January 5th, 2008
What a great crazy tiring hilarious happening two weeks it has been in Nihon! Oh gosh!
I do.not.want.to.leave.Japan.and.return.to.Singapore. For many reasons.
But first!
It was one long stretch of activities the week before I left. I do not have pictures for everything, hell, I cannot even remember what I did for some days. It is all a blur to me. -_-”
A Change Is Gonna Come
s t a r m | s t January 5th, 2008
.. in many aspects of my life.
In fact, major changes have already started to take place.
What a scary uncertain yet exciting 2008 ahead! I await for it to unfold, with a mixture of trepidation and anticipation.
