plus qu’hier moins que demain

s t a r m | s t June 28th, 2007

Feeling random. Too tired to think properly. Sometimes the mind is too much to take.

Random.
Gifts for my initial sins, which add on to the burden.

White wine and expensive chocolates. I rejected the offer of lunch, and then dinner, and then drinks. But when she stood in front of me, with the bag of gift, there was nothing I could have done or said anymore.

[Meimei, I am really afraid. Time is a-ticking, I feel closed in.]

Random.
RN’s Sunshine.

Have always preferred dogs to cats. I’m terrified of felines, esp when they jump on you or attempt to scratch or bite you. But Sunshine is soo cute. So laid-back and fuzzy and cute. I’m going to catnap her one day.

Random.

Deja vu from 6 years back. I didn’t do anything wrong. Put the blame where it lies. Then again, it is not the other one’s fault too. I think. Just.. leave me out of the venom. All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances.

Random.
A: What.
J: What?
A: What was that? That pause. It tells me something, though I’m not too sure what.
J: *shrug* No idea what you are talking about..
A: When you closed your eyes for that second too long, and slowed in your actions just now, what were you thinking?
J: Oh. That was.. you know. me thinking for a second, I quit.
A: Quit? Quit what?
J: Everything.

Random.
Haunted. Every day, every small little thing, every distantly related stuff, every night.

and more unspeakables.

• the core
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s t a r m | s t June 26th, 2007

Stressful and busy period over. Need. a. break.

A phonecall from a rude and terribly unreasonable person today caused me to [half] lose my temper. And reduce me to tears. To think it takes a lot for me to raise my voice over the phone like that. Restraint, restraint.

Goes to show how much I’m coming apart at the seams. The constant headaches and insomnia aren’t helping.

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• about funnies , the core
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s t a r m | s t June 22nd, 2007

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, ‘There is no memory of him here!’
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

- Edna St Vincent Millay

• the core , the quoter , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t June 19th, 2007

I am not in a good mood today.

It is not the typical today-is-a-same-old-same-new-day mood, nor a mopey I-am-missing-him-so-crazily mood. It is the snarl-growl-bare-fangs-I-just-need-a-reason-any-reason-to-strangle-kill-rip-someone-apart mood.

Something as innocuous as a person clearing his throat repeatedly in office is enough to make me bristle dangerously. Growl.

Anyway. Think happy thoughts.

For my birthday, Meimei did something so unique I am in awe of every time I flip through it. It’s a book. Of me. It’s a book she did [almost] from scratch, a book which took 3 days to complete. Scrappers will understand the amount of effort and detail that goes into a page. It’s not just cut and paste, cut and paste, and that’s it, no sirree no, it’s not.

First page in the book.

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• about birthdays , the uni baby
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s t a r m | s t June 16th, 2007

odi et amo quare id faciam fortasse requiris?
nescio sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

• the core , the quoter
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s t a r m | s t June 14th, 2007

Been drowning myself in Buffy the Vampire Slayer series lately.

I like BTVS since a long time ago, from the first episode in fact. It’s not simply a fluff show about make-believe monsters and vampires and good-looking students on campus. Yes, it is about a world of horror and fantasy, but the ongoing subplots do not feel like storylines. They feel like people’s lives. Real. Gritty. School, joy, love, pain, change, suffering, life, it is a series that speaks to viewers because they can relate to it.

Anyway. There was one episode from season 2 I missed when BTVS was screening on the telly some 9 [-_-”] years back, and I caught it a couple of days ago. On its own, it is a normal ghost love story. But taking into account the history of Buffy [the slayer. duh] and Angel [the cursed vampire] all the episodes before that, watching this episode was like seeing poetic dramatic irony unfold before your eyes, hauntingly beautiful but tragic, in many ways more than one. Read the storyline here.

At the climax of the show where ghost James possessed Buffy and ghost Grace [girlfriend of James] possessed Angelus [ex-lover of Buffy and had turned evil], the intensity of it took my breath away. The multi-layered relationships that were developing all at the same time - James and Grace, Buffy and James, Buffy and Angel, Buffy and Angelus… Wow.. Little wonder critics claimed Josh Whedon’s a genius. It’s hard to explain, I guess one got to watch the series from the beginning to truly understand the beauty of this episode.

Listen to the exchange [Sorry, can’t find one with subtitling. Neither am I able to embed these two].

Angel and BuffyAngel and Buffy 2

A person doesn’t just wake up and stop loving somebody.

• the bimbotic reviewer , the core
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s t a r m | s t June 11th, 2007

… and forgetting is so long.

have i ever came to this thought before? not that i remember, no, not even with ichitaka. this very serious, weighty thought that..

.. if i have a choice, i wish we never met. never wanted, never needed, never loved, never happened. never laughed together, never teased each other, never gotten close, never did anything ever. never spent time, never stopped time, never shared moments, never made memories - all these written with..

.. no bitterness this time, only sadness and pain. you see..

.. if we never met, this wouldn’t have happened. then life would be so much easier. for you, for me, for people around us. but because we did, then, right now, and forevermore, i am haunted, and you, i don’t know how you’re feeling now. the memories, they enter my mind at the most inopportune moments - all the time. i fight tears, all the time. i fight me, all the time. forgetting is so long. your smile, your words, you - they flash in to my heart and refuse to leave. but love is so short. i want to forget, but i cannot. i want to shake everything off, dust them off my body, but i cannot. so because..

.. it is hard to move with all the heaviness, i try to suppress them. and because i try suppressing them, they come out in the worst way possible when they do escape, hurting you in the process. and that is the last thing i want. with the heaviness, and suppressed feelings, and your words and actions now, i am not me.

“you are carved into my heart,” you once said. and now..

.. my heart is being carved into pieces. nails to my hands, and a knife to my heart.

outside, it is raining. in my heart, it is pouring.

tell me why..

.. your love is so short, yet my forgetting is so long.

• the core , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t June 11th, 2007

someday my tears will stop.

and all that will be left is a shell, with nothing inside.

no emotions, no feelings, no heart.

just.

empty.

“don’t you think that it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?“

in the past, i thought the former was better. but now i know.. the latter is preferred. because consequences for the former are just too much to bear.

*and he quoted one of my favourite exerpts from that book… how…strange. but one paragraph, not everything is true, no, not all.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, i need to remind myself.

• the core , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t June 7th, 2007

Sigh.

*Updated*
With a friend like him…
[Edited cos I can’t remember the exact convo.]

Rich [sounding perky and very amused]: Hello! Whatever happened to you!!
Me: I err.. fell down..
Rich [happily]: Ha ha ha ha! You ah! So careless! When did that happen?
Me: . . . Err.. Wednesday evening.
Rich [psychotically happy]: Ahahaha.. On your birthday somemore!
Me: *sigh* It’s the start of my suay-ness for the year.
Rich [laughing voice]: So are you in a wheelchair now??
Me: No longer in one now..
Rich [smilingly]: Oh! Then are you using crutches? Or something?
Me: Nah, I’m not.. I don’t need crutches!
Rich [sounding hopeful]: Huh.. so do you have a cast? Or are you wearing a bandage?
Me: *lift one eyebrow up* I took the bandage out this morning..
Rich [joking disappointed tone]: Oh.. okay..
Me: …..

[This entry meant no harm to the above-named. =)]

• about randoms
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s t a r m | s t June 6th, 2007

5 reasons why I like Cowboy Caleb [not in the romantic sense of course, this guy is married, don’t anyhow anyhow].

Now now, where am I looking? I look scary. -_-”

1) He is affable, and funny. And sarcastic. Ooh, I like sarcastic humour.
2) He pretends to be an chest-beating alpha male [emotions are for weaklings, hmm?], but in actuality he is a big softie.
3) He has heart. He cares, though it’s not always obvious.
4) He remembers the important things and people in his life.
5) And he [for some mysterious reason] remembers my birthday. I’m touched. =)

*Updated*

Thank you, really.

Mandrake, Nad, RN, Joelle, Qiaoyun, Cow, JF,
Wenli dear, Beebs dear, Yahwee dear,
SADeaf, Adr, Rich, Sister, Aud!, Ahdai, Angie mei, Hina, Evelyn, Le Petit Prince,
Meimei, Ad [erm, those photos…], Ms Ho, Glen, Gene, TMM, Benson,
Rui mei, Bliss mei, Peishi, Kenneth,
Kenshin, Daing, Steven, Linda, Jimmy, colleagues and family.

Hope I have not missed anyone out…

• about birthdays , the barfly
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