s t a r m | s t May 31st, 2007
Oh. Birthday wishlist over here.
Yes, blatant, I know.
But it’s not as if I will get my heart’s desire anyway…
How far is it to Babylon?
Threescore miles and ten.
Can I get there by candlelight?
Yes, and back again.
*Hina alerted me to a wonderful thing. Yiippppppeee…
s t a r m | s t May 31st, 2007
Meimei did something really sweet and touching.
The entry made me tear.
s t a r m | s t May 29th, 2007
The night is long.
Sleep eludes. I watch and listen to the shadows of movement reflected on my ceiling. The quiet rumbling of a motorcycle engine. The rustling leaves of the trees. Human forms shuffling through the asphalt carpark. Eyes wide open, mind moving like a runaway train, as usual I struggle through my reluctant wakefulness. Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation, this is a moment for myself; my time to cry to feel to think to heal, but I can’t. I lie in silence, and that is it.
Tomorrow I will get up, dress up and head to work. There are things to settle, people to see. There is a place for me there. My desk, my computer, my little ones. The occasional crisis, the usual jokes to destress. Same old, same new.
But tomorrow I will be a different person. Again. Not that anyone will notice of course. On the outside everything is the same. But something inside is dying. Something inside me is leaving. Face turned away, narry a sound, something is making its exit. The night ticks on, the door shuts, the light goes out. When dawn arrives, I will be transformed. The person I am now will not be here any more. Someone else will occupy me.
That’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us - that’s snatched right out of our hands - even if we are left completely changed people with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our alloted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.
- Haruki Murakami
s t a r m | s t May 27th, 2007
2 people, 1 bottle of wine and whisky. Too much. Ooouuccchh… My head hurts. My stomach hurts. My heart hurts.
But your company helps. Really. Thank you, babe. Sorry I was so down..
s t a r m | s t May 25th, 2007
… thought you might like to know that I graduated with first
class honours. Thanks for being with me for part of the journey
Congratscongratscongratulations.. You’ve no idea how happy I am for you, and how appreciative I feel reading your mail. =) The world is in your hands now.. but it can be a double-edged sword. Remember what and who you hold important in your life. Remember to stay true to yourself always.
s t a r m | s t May 24th, 2007
i hide you like the darkness guards a shadow.
behind every trembling plastered smile tells a complicated story which nobody knows of. the heart is crying at most times, it’s just that the mind refuses to listen to it. this pretense of ordinary-ness isn’t easy, yet what other choices do i have? time drags out slowly, like eternity, but certainly, and we are all led by the noose of it. i am awashed in memories remembered and cherished - sometimes it’s unbearable, sometimes i make it feelingless. but the emptiness, it widens and deepens like a chasm. this place is familiar. haven’t i come here before?
you hide me like the darkness guards a shadow.
it is as though we have never met; never wanted, never needed, never loved, never happened. you drape the heavy blackness over me, pull me under the cloak of invisibility, and i live like a sin that needs to be wrapped away and be forgotten. in the depths of disguise, no one finds a trace of me - i am nothing. i cannot show much, i am not allowed to do anything, for you, for us. this continuum of space between us, this silence that stretches for eons, it makes everything blurry. have i, we, ever existed?
i hide like the shadows in the darkness,
like a butterfly retreating with its injured wings, like the closing petals of a defensive jewelweed. they think they see me, but in truth, nobody does. it is easier to move around in the dark - no one can see the tears, the hurt, the anger, not even me - , but it is harder to live in it. at times i feel i can think, then i know i cannot..yet…
why have you gone where i cannot follow?
s t a r m | s t May 23rd, 2007
There is the niggling worrying feeling in my guts these days which I cannot seem to get rid of. Something is wrong something happened, but I don’t know what.
——————————————————————————————————————-
Yesterday’s class was tough. I can’t recall the last time I’ve felt and looked so confused in classes. [Well okay, maybe during maths lectures in my college days…]
Nearing the end of the class, the teacher played a video to the class. It was almost entirely in Japanese and we were to try to understand what was being said. When a lady in the video rattled a really long sentence in Japanese at top speed, my mind blanked out halfway into the sentence. I turned to Friend E, intending to ask her for the translation, only to see her aiming both her index fingers past her head repeatedly and muttering “Piiiuuu piiiuu piiuu piiu piuu”, imitating the sounds of Boeing 747s zooming past her. Laughs. Cute. At least I wasn’t alone.
s t a r m | s t May 19th, 2007
I didn’t come here to leave you,
I didn’t come here to lose.
I didn’t come here believing I would ever be away from you.
I didn’t come here to find out
There’s a weakness in my faith.
I was brought here by the power of love,
Love by grace.
s t a r m | s t May 16th, 2007
Don’t let go on us tonight, love’s not always black and white…
This song will always remind me of you - the night when we sat in your car, not speaking, both our hearts bleeding, while the song played on in the background.
Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot love each other
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
Cannot dream, cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel, must pretend it’s over
Must be brave and we must go on, must not say
Cannot say what we’ve known all along
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you
Must be brave and we must be strong
Cannot say what we’ve known all along
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you
When you are gone
Don’t let go on us tonight, love’s not always black and white…
s t a r m | s t May 7th, 2007
Because there are barely enough threads to hold me together…
Tattered pieces of me everywhere.
The night is long that never sees the day…
*FF’s take on matters of the heart. So close to home.
**Don’t let go on us tonight, love’s not always black and white…
***16 may, 3.05am… it’s not like we ever were exempt, love… where’s the faith… the will to try, the mind to learn, the heart to love, the soul to grow. . . can you?
