Archive for October, 2006

Here and Now

s t a r m | s t October 29th, 2006

i stand on the asphalt ground of the carpark, pausing in my steps for a moment, turning to see the taxi taillights disappear behind the shadowy trees. it is early morning here and now, and late too; in less than two hours, the sun will paint the world where i am. the air is fresh and dewy and cooling, it is quiet and i am alone, here and now.

i think it was the smokey darkness, and the drinks, and the camaraderie that did it. the brief Hellos and Goodbyes, the smiles, the laughter, the jokes, the teasing, the outrageous costumes, the drinking, the touching, the talking, the hazy air in the bar, the photo-taking, the games. things are simple, even superficial, when i think about it, so why, what is this that i am feeling, here and now?

has it really been that long since i last smiled, truly smiled? my melancholy - some said it is beautiful in its own way, kind of poetic and a little tragic - it closes me in and walls people out. recently it has been self-destructive; emotions eating into me, bleeding me, strangling me, killing me. have i, for far too long, been living in the past yet attempting to run towards the quicksand of the future, and hurting the here and now? time seems to be an infinite continuum tunnel, which i am constantly trying to escape from.

but for now time trickles to a stop, and my life, with all its turbulent emotions and volatile frustrations and silent despair, all these, they do not matter. this is my time, here and now, a moment for myself. the shadows of the night smooth out all my red raw and tattered edges, draping silk over twisted torn petals. i am strangely calm.

and as i stand, engulfed in the night’s darkness, gently caressed by the light mist that has settled, i realised i am happy - here and now - even if it is only for a while.

School Hard

s t a r m | s t October 22nd, 2006

I should have given such comments for my uni lecturers, but wait. None of them are ’sexy’, ‘handsome’ and ‘erotic’.

Crucify My Love

s t a r m | s t October 20th, 2006

This blog is getting quieter because there is so much going on in my mind these days that I wish to let on here.

Guilt. Grief. Confusion. Frustration.

Having said that, it seems to me that I don’t really know what to think, and I can’t think properly. There seem to be a thin but strong barrier around my mind that even I cannot break through.

Sadness. Sorrow. Moodiness. Longing.

I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting it, tired of not knowing, tired of not understanding, tired of everything.

Exhaustion. Escapism. Denial. Helplessness.

“If I could, I would draw a portrait of you and name it Loneliness.”

I raised my eyebrows at that.

“It’s your eyes, I say, your eyes. Go listen to this song called Crucify My Love - somehow it reminds me of you.”

And so I did.

(I love the piano bit) I don’t know why it reminds my friend of me but all I know is that it makes me feel even more depressed after listening to this.

Moment

Painful Need for Redemption

s t a r m | s t October 13th, 2006

The winter here’s cold and bitter,
It’s chilled us to the bone.
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far from home.
I feel just like I’m sinking,
And I claw for solid ground.
I’m pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place.
I know I can love you much better than this:
Full of grace, Full of grace, my love

For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I’m very very sorry… It broke my heart to tell you all those, and then have you do and say what you did and said. Wish I could take back my words, wonder if talking things out and communicating more would have saved it, but it’s too late. I’m sorry, I know I can love you much better than this: full of grace, full of grace.

Neither Head Nor Tails

s t a r m | s t October 9th, 2006

This morning I knocked the side of my head against the office cupboard door so hard that the fingers which I used to clutch my head in agony came away with blood. While a colleague peered at me in concern, I muttered “I can’t stand up” and slid into the nearest chair, dizzy and seeing pinpricks of black and white lights in my - ah shoot, I can’t think / type a proper entry now. Head still hurt like crazy. Giddy. Woozy. Swollen eye. Trembling fingers. I need to lie down.

My New Toy [II]

s t a r m | s t October 3rd, 2006

Introducing to you my $1.6k baby - Kirsten!

White - the colour of purity
Black - the face of classiness
White - the blinding girlish beauty
Black - understated sexiness!

[This entry was written under the influence of medications.]

One Voice [III]

s t a r m | s t October 2nd, 2006

[Sorry sister.. borrow most of it hor, brain cannot work.]

Love shone, through the Inclusive Nation, as opposed to the Forbidden City next door.

Due to personal reasons and work commitments, I was not as involved in this year’s ANIC as compared to the previous year. However one can’t help but be caught in the magic when surrounded by people with so much love.

In the matinee show, the music fast-forwarded during the Katong Special School’s dance. Backstage, we were going “Oh no, oh no, oh dear.” as we saw the children trying to move faster to follow the music. Then the music stopped, the kids struggled to remain in their difficult poses; uncertain, and all of us froze backstage; spellbound and worried. After what seemed like an eternity, we saw them calmly moving back into their original positions, and they redid the routine from the top as the music started again. When they poured out backstage after their performance, all of us clapped really hard for them. Some of us even had tears in our eyes.

Later, we found out that their instructor Tony had trained them well in situations like these, and he had cried tears of joy when they restarted collectively. He explained that the 5 dancers at the front all had Down’s Syndrome, and proudly pulled his shy lead dancer [my cute lil boy!] over to us saying he was the lead.

Excerpt from Jerry [the coordinator]’s email: When the music went fast forward at the “Heaven-You-Me”, I was lost. But the kids just continued dancing. They just carried on and on until Jon [the director]’s voice assured them to repeat the item. They just stood there very calmly to wait for the music to come on again. Tony was worried. Witnessing their professionalism and their calmness, he was in tears. He was full of pride for his kids. At that moment of silence, love shone brightly from the audience, from their teacher and from all of us working behind the scene.

In the evening show, things went wrong again. The “Let’s Get Loud” item by the wheel-chair dancers from HWA ran into a problem when one leg of one of the wheelchair-bound men stuck out and rammed into his partner. They had to adjust his leg back onto the step of his wheelchair for him before they proceeded.

Excerpt from Jerry’s email: In the evening show, I was told that one of the wheelchair dancers got into difficulties. As I reflected upon it, I realized that whether you are on wheelchair or not, we need each other to complete the dance. Love shone again when both helped each other to free the wheel to continue to dance again.

And the worst part happened at the finale. When all us were onstage singing, and Xtomic were signing “One Voice” on the tier, the lyrics suddenly dragged out unusually long. Instead of fast-forwarding the cd, the sound system now slowed it down and the lyrics dragged out embarrassingly. But the sound team stopped the cd, and then the voices of the cast and all the performers took over, amidst cheers and applause from the audience, as One Voice. How apt the lyrics became!

Just one voice
It takes that one voice
And everyone will sing!

Excerpt from Jerry’s email: At the finale song, the music stopped. Yes, it was a technical fault. But at that moment, the human spirit took over. The one voice singing from each and everyone on stage won the hearts of the audience. Love shone from the audience as they applauded and love shone from you as you allowed the real music to flow from your heart.

Xtomic isn’t xtomic unless there is some cam-whoring around!

My seat partner in the room was shaving his face for a solid 15 minutes! And after some time, we saw him shaving yet again, and again, and again. -_-”


Me and two unidentified women.


My cute lil shy boy - hero of the day!


The four ‘army ants‘ whose room was beside ours, 3 of whom have the name ‘Ken’. Sister commented that the non-Ken should be the one on the far left [cos he is not a looker. hiaks.]

The Backstage Boys. Sister returned from her part and commented “I came back only to see all those funny photos I didn’t take.” Hur hur. I had her cammie with me when she went out to perform.


The nice Forbidden City peeps went, “Have a good show, have a good show.” =)

I grabbed the opportunity to take photographs with the hunks of ANIC.

Me and the slug-g-g, “Can’t” ["Not sluT!" he protested.]


I hugged “Daren’t” [to be said with a HongKong accent] while sister took a very sedate picture with him. “Why do you stand so proper??” I asked her. “Wait for Madame Spider [Timothy Nga],” she promised, “I’ll hug and cling on to him!” She mimed lunging at poor unsuspecting Tim.


Tim Nga as Madame Spider. He was wearing his heels when sister and I cornered him to take a picture with me. People who walked past were going, “Hey, whose slipper??”


The other Tim! Tim Go as a newcaster bug.


PC, the prince from HWA.


Me and silly Ruok who was reluctant to take a picture with me for some reason. >.


Us and our director, Jonathan Lim.

And ev-ery-one will siinnggg!

[Does anyone knows why this looks so screwed up on Firefox and Safari?]

Help me, save me, for I am becoming a stranger eve…

s t a r m | s t October 1st, 2006

Help me, save me, for I am becoming a stranger even to myself..