I… Believe
s t a r m | s t August 6th, 2006
It feels like I am getting closer to Him day by day. Could it be due to Joseph’s words and Jasmine’s music? Or could it be because it is time finally?
Archive for August, 2006
Nostalgia
s t a r m | s t August 3rd, 2006
The last time we were met, we were at the in-betweens of our lives. He was 25 going on 26, brimming with youthful ambition and aggressive drive. I was 19 going on 29, struggling to patch pieces of my heart back together, and becoming way too cynical for my own good.
It was a might have been, but it never happened. There may have been a spark, a smouldering undercurrent, but we were both tied down by feelings of the past - he with the lady two years older; me with the man 8 years older - which we made present for ourselves, so him and me, our future was sealed before we even realised it.
Forward to years later. He spotted me in the crowd and waved at an unsuspecting me; we barely recognised each other, yet we did. I wasn’t sure to greet him with a warm old-friend hug or a formal handshake, so settled for an uncertain smile instead. We sat down to chat, but packing so many years into a couple of hours was difficult for us to re-know each other, have we ever really known each other anyway? Not that there weren’t any chances to, for each minute was a chance by itself, but we didn’t make the time. Each day I could have picked up my phone and drop him a message, but I didn’t make the time. Every night he could have replied my mails, wrote a personal one, but he didn’t make the time, so him and me, our future was sealed before we even realised it.
So there we sat, facing each other across the coffee table, the million chances have already passed us by, quietly stolen from us without even the barest hint of whisper. Because we were too lax, we grew up, we got older, we moved on, so him and me, our future was sealed before we even realised it.
Night Whispers
s t a r m | s t August 2nd, 2006
day 1, 2.42am
eyes wide shut. there were tears and there were tissues. realizations. the unbearable feeling. unwanted thoughts. the children’s names, appointments, the past, things to do; they run through my mind like a neverending marathon, testing my endurance, exhausting me.
day 2, 4.38am
not again. passages from a book, if only it were true; words from a movie, just like heaven. sentences run through my mind’s eye, as though i was reading a book over and over, flipping it forward, turning back the pages aimlessly. words, words, words.
day 3, 2.02am
refused to open my eyes. toss and turn, back to side to front to side. the mobile was making strange clicking sounds, indicating that it hung while charging. i restarted it, 2.02am, only 3 hours. this is a nightmare.
day 4, not yet.
weakened. can’t think properly, can’t write properly, can’t walk properly.
welcome back to the wonderful world of insomnia - where thoughts run non-stop uncontrollably and sleep is so so far away.
i’m afraid to sleep because i’m afraid to wake up.
