plus qu’hier moins que demain

Last night was supposed to be a night of chilling out and watching him perform, but it turned out horribly wrong.

It is all a mess to me.
Pain.
Runny nose.
Cough. tightness in chest. couldn’t breathe. couldn’t speak.
Cough cough cough. gasping for breath. pain.
Pain pain pain. eyes swelled up. couldn’t see.
Couldn’t sms. weak.
Stumbled. my sweet’s worried face. fading.
Bright lights. doctor’s infinite questions which I struggled to answer coherently.
Injections after painful injections.
Sulky. difficult. people faded.
My sweet kneeling by the side of my bed. nurses chasing him away.
Doctor did something which I was really really secretly afraid of.
Brought to observation ward. alone.
Fidgety fidgety more fidgety.
Whimpered. senselessly frightened. huddled trembled fidget dissolved into tears more tears more more more tears frightened sniffs more running tears cannot stop cannot stop they are all looking at me I cannot stop the tears.
Sane part of mind wondering if the unexpected tears were due to the childhood-to-adult fear of hospitals.
Realised it may be the doctor’s doing.
Called my sweet and cried hard and mumbled incoherently half-hysterical hung up and cried and shuddered more I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home child-like cries and thoughts I want to go home I don’t want to stay here I want to go home I want to go home.
He appeared. concerned. worried. questioned. hysteria cannot tell cannot tell I cannot say. doctor appeared. shrank away hysterical go away go away go home go away cannot wait wait wait observe cried go home.
Allowed. stumbled and rushed away. collect medicine. car. my sweet’s worried and tired face. clenched hands. see mum. sms. concussed in bed. 4am.

Traumatic.

s t a r m | s t April 16th, 2006

• about randoms