s t a r m | s t April 29th, 2006
Tell me what lies under
beneath my feet
so I may begin to wonder
the stars hanging
above my head.
A molded clay
from earthern matrix, reborn
like butterfly’s wings
whence robed with brass
silver and gold
thence heart’s oblivious
now, filled with stones
Tell me, once more
the trodden path below
that I may behold…
the dust… in me
a moving form
- Dr Jes V
s t a r m | s t April 28th, 2006
just one of those days.
when everything pile up up up and then you start to break and fall apart.
just one of those days.
s t a r m | s t April 24th, 2006
I swear…. my insecurity will be my downfall…
s t a r m | s t April 23rd, 2006
Burn The Floor was hot hot hot. So much better than West Side Story which I caught with sister, CL and mother on Friday night. I want to take up more dance classes!
Been watching so many dance shows recently, since when has my interest turn to dance?
In other news, searching for a car for 20 minutes is amusing. Searching for it for 2 and 1/2 hours is not. =/
s t a r m | s t April 22nd, 2006
Maddening is…
when you rushed home after a saturday morning of work, hot and exhausted and extremely sleepy and all ready to jump into a cold shower and fall into a cosy bed to catch a good good nap, and then upon reaching your doorstep, you realised…
you stupidly, carelessly left your keys in office [which is not very near your house, so to speak], and nobody’s home, with mother and brother in the far north, sister in the east, and dad busy at work.
s t a r m | s t April 20th, 2006
Honestly.
If you don’t like my blog or what I write, don’t read it.
s t a r m | s t April 16th, 2006
Last night was supposed to be a night of chilling out and watching him perform, but it turned out horribly wrong.
It is all a mess to me.
Pain.
Runny nose.
Cough. tightness in chest. couldn’t breathe. couldn’t speak.
Cough cough cough. gasping for breath. pain.
Pain pain pain. eyes swelled up. couldn’t see.
Couldn’t sms. weak.
Stumbled. my sweet’s worried face. fading.
Bright lights. doctor’s infinite questions which I struggled to answer coherently.
Injections after painful injections.
Sulky. difficult. people faded.
My sweet kneeling by the side of my bed. nurses chasing him away.
Doctor did something which I was really really secretly afraid of.
Brought to observation ward. alone.
Fidgety fidgety more fidgety.
Whimpered. senselessly frightened. huddled trembled fidget dissolved into tears more tears more more more tears frightened sniffs more running tears cannot stop cannot stop they are all looking at me I cannot stop the tears.
Sane part of mind wondering if the unexpected tears were due to the childhood-to-adult fear of hospitals.
Realised it may be the doctor’s doing.
Called my sweet and cried hard and mumbled incoherently half-hysterical hung up and cried and shuddered more I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home child-like cries and thoughts I want to go home I don’t want to stay here I want to go home I want to go home.
He appeared. concerned. worried. questioned. hysteria cannot tell cannot tell I cannot say. doctor appeared. shrank away hysterical go away go away go home go away cannot wait wait wait observe cried go home.
Allowed. stumbled and rushed away. collect medicine. car. my sweet’s worried and tired face. clenched hands. see mum. sms. concussed in bed. 4am.
Traumatic.
s t a r m | s t April 14th, 2006
It has never been my style to talk about religion here as it is such a secret place.
Nevertheless, just because I do not talk about it doesn’t mean I do not think about it.
These days I feel so uncertain, being caught between three orientations. Mind over heart, heart over mind. It’s a constant battle. My search for the truth - the hard facts, the black and white - seems futile, yet I continue seeking because I need to.
But something in me is changing, I cannot ignore it. And so I went - I have been going -, and tears ran down my cheeks each time, every time. Because I know that somehow, I believe in Him, I want to welcome Him into my life with open arms, yet… a part of me denies Him.
Tonight I cried so hard. Body bent over, head bowed, hands clasped. Could barely stand. And the lyrics kept repeating in my head.. imagine me without you, I’d be lost and so confused, I wouldn’t last a day, I’d be afraid without you there to see me through…
