s t a r m | s t September 30th, 2005
One may think my resolve is strong and firm, but it is not. In my mind, I have played and replayed illusions over and over again. In my dreams, I have surrendered a thousand times. It has been so difficult, so tiring, to keep fighting. and there have been so many times when I have wanted to give in, to wave the white flag. then I remind myself of the ignorant other, and it is only fear and guardedness that is keeping me alive but unhappy.
s t a r m | s t September 26th, 2005
I asked you if you could promise to remember the goodness in me, and you promised you can, and you will. But it doesn’t seem to be that way. Why is it that I remember all the good things about you, while you can only remember the bad stuff about me? Do my shortcomings overshadow whatever good there is about me? Or am I so flawed that there is nothing about me that can be redeemed?
s t a r m | s t September 23rd, 2005
“Wow, nice,” he said, “the shape of those ears, simply beautiful.”
But… how can they be beautiful when they cannot hear?
s t a r m | s t September 20th, 2005
Run. Don’t turn back, I vow to myself. Because it feels so wrong.
s t a r m | s t September 19th, 2005
Read her entry two nights back, and then hers this morning, and it kinda struck a chord in me. Was wondering if I should do this cos I’ll be leaving myself open and vulnerable, but that’s kinda ironic since I have been writing down some of my most personal thoughts here.
I’m that girl who once believed in fairy tales and that for every person who love, she/he will be loved in return. who, because of that belief, have gave her all to the people she love. who never ran out of love, never ran out of hope, never ran out of faith, until a few months ago.
I’m that girl who took love and life so seriously since young that friends had to tell her to stop growing up too fast and to ‘lighten up’. who didn’t care one bit about all the shopping and clothes and shoes that was discussed, but was more interested in literature, psychology and law.
I’m that girl who wanted to please the world, wanted to help the world, and didn’t want anyone to think badly of her, but found out that there are some things in life which are just impossible to do.
I’m that girl who you sought when you had trouble with your girlfriends. who you have cried in her arms because your one true love, her friend, broke your heart time and again. who was so close to you we created gossip for a year when, in fact, there was really nothing. who you confided into when your girl threw unreasonable tantrums at you. who you hugged and danced with because there was noone else to hug and dance with. who you found comfort in when your relationship was in the red. who you wanted to play around with cos she was an easy target. who you strung along with another because you want to have it all.
I’m that girl you kissed in the shadows of the night. who you held close while storms raged outside. who you whispered words of love with the music engulfing us. who you secretly teased and flirted with in the presence of friends who remained oblivious. who you promised a world of tomorrows.
I’m that girl who took three long years to get over you.
I’m that girl who sobbed uncontrollably in your car because everything in her life was going wrong. who fell into an exhausted sleep on your shoulder after staying awake the entire night. I’m that girl who woke up in the dead of the night, missing you terribly. who held your hand when you silently demanded for mine.
I’m that girl who never believed in soulmates, other halves, til you came along… and then you left.
I’m the girl who held back her tears when you flew to the other side of the world. who broke down alone in the ladies only after she took them home. I’m the girl who dreams of you almost every night and wakes up crying because you’re no longer here, in every sense of the word. who wishes to say so many things but yet am unable to do so.
I’m that girl whose heart you have broken.
I’m that girl who was that close to death because of a broken heart.
I’m that girl who you ‘fell in love’ with because you saw in her what you lost in yourself. because you were looking to forget and she just happened to be there. because you were in darkness and she brought you light. because you were in the in-between of your journey and she appeared in your tracks. I’m that in-between girl.
I’m the girl who looks up at the sky at every chance she could to seek light and warmth from all the stars that hung in the night. who used to think that love conquers all, got crippled by it and stopped believing it. who tried to deny being a hopeless romantic but failed miserably. who wants to appear hard, tough and strong when the truth is, she really need someone here beside her.
I’m the girl who got so bruised and battered and disillusioned by love, she daren’t give it another chance anymore. who don’t believe love exist for her anymore. who don’t believe love exist at all.
Yeah, I’m that girl and more. Do you know me?
s t a r m | s t September 18th, 2005
After an unusually late night out, I finally fell into a teary exhausted sleep at 5 only to force myself up at 9 for IDD.
The day passed by in a haze - the making of polyshrink, sitting on the floor of civic plaza and chatting, forgetting of my lines for our performance [I’m sorry!], and meeting up with stars.
The photo looks weird I don’t know why.
Then evening arrived and I had to leave for the mid-autumn festival dinner with the Prof and others at the Prof’s place.
Humorous moments among many others.
Of food part 1
NiceGuy: Oh, I eat anything. Anything that can be eaten. And anything with four legs can be eaten.
Me: So sir, will you dare to eat lizards?
NiceGuy [with much conviction]: Of course! why not?
Americana [deadpan] : That’s good. Then you should come down to my place one day and eat all the lizards at my place. My garden has lots too…
NiceGuy [indignant]: Hey!
Of food part 2
Americana [struggling to cut some white wobbly thing for dessert]: Know who will be able to cut this well?
Everyone [thinking it’ll be some domesticated woman among us who will be named]: Who??
Americana: Prof lah [the only one who does surgery]!
Everyone: ……
After dinner, the lot of us climbed up to the fourth level [!!] of the Prof’s house where everyone sat in the light breeze of the night, sipping beer and looking at the cold, aloof moon.
My gaze was elsewhere - at the star on the other side of the sky, the one which everyone turned their backs on - and I wondered if it was the planet that you spoke to me about, and I thought of you.
s t a r m | s t September 16th, 2005
Just a few words and the tears fell like rain.
s t a r m | s t September 15th, 2005
Someday, I will no longer hear words of love and affection,
nor share in close friends’ secret whispers,
I will be lost in social conversations,
and be distanced from people’s laughter.
Will you be my ears and help me listen?
Someday, the rustle of leaves will be music long gone,
and the dripping water from a tap, a sound of the past,
no more will I be able to appreciate the melody of a song,
and the enjoyment of the windchimes’ tinkling, a difficult task.
Will you hold my hand and give me strength?
Someday, I will not hear the shrill rings of the telephone,
nor be aware of the sweet chimes of the doorbell,
I will not be able to interpret television news on my own,
nor the knockings on the door will I be able to tell.
Will you stand by me and give me comfort?
Someday, my world will turn to complete darkness,
and I will be set apart from others,
what follows thereafter will be pain and loneliness,
and I will be unable to control the changes of my world.
Will you hold me close, and wipe away my tears?
s t a r m | s t September 11th, 2005
Are people at their weakest and most vulnerable just before they sleep and just after that?
Everybody leaves. They come, and they go. Must it always be like that? Couldn’t people stay? Then there will be less hurt to go around.
s t a r m | s t September 9th, 2005
Why is it that learning about something which I may have already expected can have such a devastating effect on me? It went on for an hour and a half. He was helpless; I saw it in his face. She was helpless; she was trained to comfort but she kept saying the wrong things. And I was helpless, powerless to stop reacting and thinking and thinking and thinking.
One second, and life changes.
At times like this, it is really difficult to separate the professional side of life from the personal side.
Tomorrow will be a better day, so I tell myself.
Why do I find it really hard to believe that?
Addendum: Thank you, Rich, for being there for me. Thank you, for your words and company. Thank you, you have been a great friend.
