plus qu’hier moins que demain

s t a r m | s t July 15th, 2005

“I know what you are doing,” she pointed her index finger accusingly at her.

“What, I ain’t doing anything.” Defensive.

“You are protecting yourself, but you are going overboard. I can literally feel the fences, dear,” she mimed pushing against a space near her. “And I can see the big ‘Keep Out’ sign on your fence. Because you do this, you sabotage your chances of Chances in Life. Ok, am I confusing you?”

“I understand, but I don’t agree with you. So you’re saying that I shouldn’t build fences? Walls? I should leave myself open to hurt and pain? Leave myself exposed? Vulnerable? What, a free for all come-shoot-me-I-am-right-here? That is not the right way to live.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. But neither is yours the right way. I know I’m harsh but you know, you run at the first hint of happiness, of hope, of anything good; be it love, friendship or anything else in life. And you run when something suspect comes up, when situations get complicated. I know you’re scared, after what happened with your other half. Terrified, in fact. In all my years of knowing you, I’ve never seen you behave this way. I’ve never seen such a drastic change in you before. You are like this wild but guarded, full of angst but broken girl now. It’s evident that you still love him, he must really have been your soulmate after all. But dear, you got to stop running eventually; isn’t it tiring??”

“Don’t talk about the soulmate crap. Anyway, let’s talk about something else k.”

“See, you’re doing it again. You’re changing the topic. And running away.”

“I am not running away. Look, stop trying to psychoanalyse me. You’re not a psychologist, and I am not a patient.”

“You’re in the prime of your life. You should just let loose and have fun. Stop brooding. Hell, play even, you may like it. Enjoy life, you know, enjoy guys.”

“Wth, I can’t do that, it is not me. Besides, I don’t want to. Why are you even asking me to play??? You know I don’t and you know it would eventually destroy me.”

“And this is not destroying yourself? This miserable existence of trying to keep everyone out, not letting anyone get close to you again, denying possible chances of love? You think I don’t know what you are doing?”

“I don’t need anyone. They have all failed me. Gotta learn to be independent now, you know. And I don’t need love. Love is transient. These days, people abuse the word ‘love’, and the ‘forever’ in ‘forever love’ is getting shorter and shorter too.”

“Liar. You yearn to be loved, hell, you yearn to love. You’re someone who has too much love to give. Yet you are too afraid to give love, and life, another chance.”

“Let’s not talk about this already.”

“You claimed you don’t want to let anyone near you, but deep inside you long for the person who completes you. Deep within, you need a person who you can share your life with.”

“Don’t say anymore k.”

“You pretend to be all tough and nonchalent. You are one who protect or help others, but secretly, you are the one who needs protecting, because you are actually a gentle, sweet little girl.”

“I said, stop it!”

“Why? Is it because everything I’ve said is true and you know it?

• the core
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s t a r m | s t July 15th, 2005

Xtomic is larger than life! A preview [a very raw, unprepared (we didnt know we were being filmed!) and funny preview, but a preview all the same].

What: A nation in concert
When: 13th August 2005
Where: Esplanade Concert Hall

Penned by award-winning playwright Desmond Sim and directed by renowned theatre director Jonathan Lim, A Nation In Concert is a charming and humorous story for all ages about changing the self to change society, and about transformation—from indifference and self-doubt to courage and empathy.

This dramatic journey features moving performances by talented members of the Association for Persons with Special Needs (APSN), the Handicaps Welfare Association (HWA), the Singapore Association for the Deaf (SADeaf), and the Singapore Association of the Visually Handicapped (SAVH).

Through music, drama, dance and the magic of theatre, we hope A Nation In Concert will inspire us all to venture beyond our comfort zone and discover the strength within ourselves to change the world for the better!

Be there, or be square!

• the arty-farty babe , the fun xtomicer , the volunteer
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s t a r m | s t July 13th, 2005

Is it true, what people say? This is a world where everything has to balance and so there exist equal opposites. For every hello that is spoken, a farewell is bidden. For every smile that is given, somewhere a tear has fallen. For every couple that comes together with love, another relationship ends in heartbreak. For every step forward, circumstances force us back.

We seal our future with the decisions we have made in the past. Things end before they have even started. Life takes as much as it gives.

Of whose choice? Not of mine.

The delicate bud barely has a chance to flower before it was destroyed.

Of my choice. Yet not quite.

Regrets? Some. Disappointments? Yes. Resignation? Somehow.

But I don’t know what to do, who to believe. Anymore.

Our wills and fates do so contrary run

That our devices still are overthrown;

• the core , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t July 12th, 2005

For almost ten hours each day, I feel like I’m participating in a ‘Speak Good Mandarin’ campaign [though it is more of a 'Brush Up On Your $%^*#@%ed Up Mandarin' campaign for me].

Speak Mandarin. Mandarin is good.

• the worker
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s t a r m | s t July 11th, 2005

The signs were there almost from the start.

Gal, do you think I asked for it?

• the core , the harsh critic
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s t a r m | s t July 11th, 2005

So.
The first day in a long long while.

Never in my life have I ever heard so much mandarin and dialects spoken in a day. Explanations in mandarin. Convos in mandarin, hokkien sometimes. Hong Kong accents, Taiwanese accents. Cantonese jokes. Mandarin terminologies.

???!! ???? / ??????!!!

I think the force was not with me.

First, I reached office only to receive calls after calls requesting for [cheem] inter-departmental assistance [which, of course, I couldn't help much since I'm new]. Then, there weren’t anyone to transfer the calls to because the rest were on their own lines most of the time. Did I mention the callers spoke with accents? Oh yes, I did. So there were times when I had no idea what the other party was talking about and I had to kneel down and beg others for help. Thereafter, the office equipments decided to stage a mutiny. Bad-tempered photocopying machine 1 didn’t allow me to print stuff, and when it finally gave me access, it [in]conveniently ran out of paper. Cheeky little shredder happily spits out pieces of paper at me. Temperamental photocopying machine 2 decided to switch portrait and landscape modes by itself, or to ignore my print requests altogether. Yes, the convos flying around were still in mandarin. So to seek temporary respite from the madness, I hurried off to the Ladies for a moment. Peace at last! Or so I thought…

The door knob came off in my hand [it wasn't my fault, I swear it wasn't!].

I’m cursed.

Addendum: My mum just opened my door, peeked into my room and asked me hesitatingly “Are you going to work tomorrow?”

• about funnies , the worker
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s t a r m | s t July 10th, 2005

…is hurting me so badly now….

• the core , the quoter , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t July 7th, 2005

He sold his soul for $210 $290.

you asked for it yourself (please use quicktime player)

Watch the tears go rolling down [by the way, that big greenish lump was a chunk of wasabi. and if any of you don't know what wasabi is, I don't know what to say].

• about randoms
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s t a r m | s t July 6th, 2005

Enough.

Enough of the roller-coaster emotions, the obligations, the expectations of others, the denials, the help to be offered, the fake meaningless words, the need, the conflicts, the lies, the alcohol, the wondering, the pretending, the volatility, the dependency, the late nights, the mind games, the ignoring, the playing, the struggle, the constant battle, the invisible dance, the pretense, the feigned interest, the excuses, the unwanted phonecalls, the unseen waterfalls, the actions, the avoidance, the heavy steps forward, the double entendres, the requests, the spiraling, the broken trust, the vagueness, the loneliness, the ridiculous jokes, the one-way road, the justifications, the frustrations, the everything.

Have you guys milked enough out of me, or is it not sufficient yet?

Oh God,
I need directions.
What am I doing, what is happening to me…

• the core
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s t a r m | s t July 5th, 2005

There is none like you.
No one else can touch my heart like you do.
I could search for all eternity long and find
there is none like you.

Thank you, you.

• the quoter , the sentimental lover
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