plus qu’hier moins que demain

s t a r m | s t July 31st, 2005

Why am I running?

What am I running away from?

Today, I met an old friend whom I have not seen for 4 years. Fifteen minutes. All it took was fifteen minutes. “Run with me,” he offered, without seeking any answers to whatever he saw in me, “it’s lonely running by yourself. Run with me. Let’s see who can stop us from running.”

Am I transparent to all but myself?

But I can see it now. So clearly, as if I am watching myself from the sidelines. Me, poised to flee. Me feeling the need to escape. Me always wanting to bolt. Me running for my life. Run, run, run. I had not realised it before, but now I can see it, can sense it in me. Run, run, run. Sometimes I tire but I know I cannot stop. Run, run, run. For a few months now.

Run, run, run. Just what am I running away from?

• the core
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s t a r m | s t July 30th, 2005

mr brown beat me to it, so you can watch the video from here. This guy is a genius at spoofing [please watch this one too!], simply hilarious!

• about funnies
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s t a r m | s t July 28th, 2005

Why is it so difficult?

Through the throngs of people, I watch you sleep. Only for a while, a few seconds, but moments nonetheless. the eyes that I used to kiss tenderly, the hands I used to hold. the hair I used to pull and tug teasingly, the arms that once warmed me from the cold. the shoulders a past resting place, the body which shielded me from storms. the mouth which once promised me, the mind which once shared so much.

So near, yet so far. So familiar, yet so remote. Invisible walls, locked doors.

It was strange seeing you there like that today. I couldn’t help but feel something was going on right in front of me, and yet… I was relegated to some insignificant corner of another world, of no choice of mine. On the outside, looking in. Always on the outside, looking in.

Once again, I am reminded of the way it has always been. You are like the sun; shining for everyone and anyone. larger than life. burning, attracting. always revolving, always evolving. Me, I am like the north star; a weak but steady unflickering light. left behind in the darkness, usually easily missed. I guide lost travellers to the right direction, but once they find their way, I am forgotten.

You got up. Left. And as the train pulled away, taking me further and further from you with each passing second, all I could do was to sit unmovingly, tightly clutching the bouquet of flowers that weren’t meant for me, valiantly fighting back the tears that threatened to spill, and feeling the pain - fresh and in torrents, as if it has only just been yesterday when my world crumbled into pieces.

• the core , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t July 27th, 2005

Was sorting out the various mails I received and I noticed something in a mail that was overlooked the first time round.

‘Practices/Performances schedules are pasted on the cupboard, so anything, please ask the cupboard. Thanks.’

• about funnies , soundbites , the fun xtomicer , the volunteer
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s t a r m | s t July 26th, 2005

…but after you, I know it in my heart…

Never again.

• the core , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t July 25th, 2005

It’s wrong, it is just so wrong…

I want to write about how you people from the top should step down from your pedestals in the clouds to the earth sometimes so as to understand how hard your volunteers are working to keep things going, but I am but only one voice.

I want to write about how you people from the top should stop shirking your responsibilities and pushing all your duties to others, especially since you are supposed to be in charge of the entire project, but I may get sued by you.

I want to write about the unnecessary ongoing changes the NDP committee and you people from the top are proposing and making, thus creating chaos and unravelling the hours and days and months of teaching and coordinating the training officers have done, but those are classified information.

I want to write about how generating publicity and good ticket sales comes from good marketing tactics and strategies, and not from taking advantage / making use of / milking your volunteers dry, but you guys are too fixated on your goals to listen to reason.

I want to write about how a word / an email / an sms of thanks from the staff-in-charge-of-that-particular-project can go a long way in keeping your volunteers by your side, motivated and appreciated, but this has been touched on to death since a long time ago and no changes have been made.

I want to write about how you people from the top should recognise that your volunteers are also human and we, like you, have our own commitments - while you leave at 6pm to go home to your family, your volunteers are staying back late to iron out the kinks in your project -, but you have already turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to all these [Besides, the people more worthy of writing / touching on this issue are the committee members who have thrown their hearts and souls, sweat and blood into the project, not little T.O me].

How can this ever go on?

• the harsh critic , the volunteer
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s t a r m | s t July 22nd, 2005

ignoring that tinge of pain and hurt
pretending it is not difficult
moments of happiness elude
run, run, far away
from anyone who could make me stay
making the same mistakes again
moon, junes and ferris wheels
everything is reminding me of you
watching the flash backs intertwine
alone in the shadows of the night
hiding from the harsh light of the day
staying awake to chase a dream

and i feel my world crumbling
I feel my life crumbling
i feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you.

• the core , the quoter , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t July 22nd, 2005

So here am I again
sitting all alone in my room
lost in my grey icy world.
the silence of the night
is broken only by the whirling of the fan
and
nothing else.

the hands of the clock tick by
seconds pass, and then minutes.
outside, the world sleeps
comforted by the darkness that envelops them.
inside my room, I continue to sit, almost unmoving
imprisoned by my self, my thoughts
my emotions, my memories.

How can I not feel all that I’m feeling now?

• the core , the sentimental lover
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s t a r m | s t July 21st, 2005

Work has been hectic, but it is a good thing.

Today, two perm staff and one attachment student simultaneously decided to take last minute medical leave, leaving (no pun intended) the remaining HR executive and me in a tizzy.

At about 10.40 am, there were some 59 files on my table.

At about 3.25pm, the files have increased to 84.

At about 4.57pm, there were 113.

I could barely see the top of my desk!

But I’m getting the hang of it, I am. Apart from the files, that is. Out of the 2637 calls I received today [the receptionist decided to auto-forward all her calls to me. Smart, ain’t she?], I screwed up only 3. A vast improvement I would think, considering that I screwed up 4281 out of 4284 calls last week, yeah.

All sarcastic humour and wry self-deprecation aside, seeing an employee break down in tears today when served the letter of termination affected me quite badly. Even more so cos I was the one who handed her that damning letter [almost 3/4 of the HR department was missing, remember]. Sigh.

Addendum: am I breaching any confidentiality thingie? will I get sued for talking about this? I hope not.

• the worker
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s t a r m | s t July 18th, 2005

Things that are too good to be true usually are too good to be true.

• soundbites , the harsh critic
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